Wobble

We had our first snow last night. Just a little sugar dusting on the ground, but S was excited. We'll have hot chocolate when he comes home from school, to celebrate.

There is now a train running around our Christmas tree. I had it up last year too, but it was a little difficult for me, putting it together and starting it up. There was something about the feel of the track snapping together in my hands, and lining up the wheels so that the engine and cars wouldn't jump the track, that just brought back a big flood of Papa. I didn't do very well with it then. But it was already set up this morning, so J must have done it. He mentioned it last night, and I didn't argue with him, because it was just easier not to. Sort of the same way I didn't argue with the nurses' aids who "helped" me pack up Papa's room the day after he went. Why is it that I'm so outspoken about things that don't matter so much, but I clam up on the really important things? Decorating the tree is as much J's and S's right as it is mine, although I was being all obsessive about it yesterday. But the train really IS for me to do. It's cathartic, and it's a quiet way to honor Papa. And I abdicated that. I'm ashamed of myself, and a little bit mad, too, for denying myself that.

Am I just tired? Have I gotten lazy?

I know I'm a little tired. It seems like everything is a fight lately. This stupid class, for one thing. It's wearing me down. Then there's The Ex, who doesn't seem to have a clue how to avoid alienating S. It's getting worse...S didn't even really want to go over there for Thanksgiving. I'm sure he had fun once he got there, but he was kind of a wreck during the days leading up to it. And he was SO happy to be home. It rips my heart out, and I know it isn't going to get any better. Barring a miracle of some kind, things are going to deteriorate between them even further, and I know what kind of train wreck is in the works for S if it doesn't get any better, because I've been through it myself. And guess who's ultimately going to get blamed for turning S against his father? As a matter of fact, that's already been brought up.

On the other end is J, who is beginning to blur some parental boundaries, and is accusing me of excluding him from S's life when I push back a little. It's not that I want to leave him out, it's just that the dad thing isn't mine to give him. The spot is occupied. Maybe I'm being overly cautious about it, but I'm finding myself in the middle of all this weird man-posturing, trying to protect S's relationship with someone I don't even like, possibly at the expense of someone I love. There are egos at stake here (one of them absolutely GINORMOUS - not J's!), and I don't do so well with egos. Even worse, it's just about inevitable that S is going to wind up hurt somewhere in all this. And now I'm realizing that nothing ever balances for long. The minute you think you've found equilibrium, something comes along to upset it.

Speaking of egos, at the moment the Golden Retriever is offering her toy to the train running around the tree, trying to get it to play with her. The train is having none of it. I think the dog is feeling insulted.